I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
