Pappa wants mamma naked
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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