How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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