I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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