Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
