the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize