there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
