life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize