My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
