We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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