So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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