I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
