Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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