Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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