Don't make out with my wife yet
only if we run a train.
done.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
