Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
