I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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