apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
