As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
