Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Pants are for mortals
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
