Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
