I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
