my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
