I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
