Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
