no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
