strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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