I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ok first of all what the fuck
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
