I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
