hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
