I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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