dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
