Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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