Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
