all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
