I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
