battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
