he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
