one might say we're banned from that church
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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