Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize