franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize