Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
