I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
