He is such a slut. More and more my type.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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