And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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