come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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