my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
