I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
