why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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