She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
