My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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