my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
