im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you traded sex for a burrito?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
