Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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