wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
