She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
