She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
