That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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