I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
