You really coming over, don't trick.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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