I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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