I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
